30 Signs You Might Be Emergent

April 17th, 2008 | 25 Comments | Emergent Church, Humor 30 Signs You Might Be Emergent |  Facebook

30. Your church has replaced the pulpit with a bar stool (and possibly a bar or your church is in a bar).

29. You once read a good story about some Jewish people and a cross.

28. You engineer every conversation so you are able to use the phrase, “you can’t put god in a box,” and laugh like you’ve said the funniest thing in the word.

27. You make everyone define everything before you begin a conversation. Since this takes forever you never really have a conversation.

26. You think hell is a construct somewhere in Tennessee.

25. You think everything is a metaphor for something else.

24. When you hear the word “Orthodox” all you think about is the great food at the Greek Festival every year.

23. You think “Patristics” is a new brand of snack food.

22. Church history started when your pastor was born.

21. The only Creed you know is a once-popular musical act.

20. You only curse around fundamentalists.

19. You leave your church because the sermon was not obscure enough.

18. You refer to your local assembly as “church,” “synagogue,” or “mosque” depending on who you are talking to.

17. Your blog is a rant about how everyone else rants too much.

16. You brag that you have never been pinned down theologically on any issue.

15. The only thing you are sure of is that others cannot be sure of anything.

14. You bring your own wine to communion.

13. You are offended when someone says they are going to “Preach the Gospel” or “Teach the truth” believing they should just “Tell a story.”

12. Instead of a tract, you carry a can of Play-doh in your back pocket.

11. Your website links to Green Peace and the Democratic National Convention just because conservatives are against it.

10. You start a Christian blog, but leave it blank, fearing that you might offend someone.

9. You are not any good at art, yet you continue to present the Gospel by painting stick figures on recycled paper.

8. When you present the Gospel, Heaven is renamed The Matrix and you call Christ Neo.

7. Your church caters from Whole Foods.

6. Every sermon illustration begins with “The other night I was drinking a beer and . . .”.

5. You have yet to read the book of Romans believing Paul was too modern in his thinking.

4. Your car has a bumper sticker that reads “I think my boss is a Jewish carpenter but I can’t know for certain.”

3. You don’t worship on Sundays because everyone else does.

2. You evaluate truth by asking how many people hold to it. If it is too popular, then it is wrong.

1. When someone calls out your name you get angry saying, “Don’t label me.”

HT: Heart for the Lost

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25 Responses to “30 Signs You Might Be Emergent”

  1. Stubo says:

    Wow, I feel built up.

    Seriously though, what is the point of this?

    Some of the articles posted on this website are absolutely ridiculous.

    “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Y’know, rebuking is meant to be done in a cetain way. Not arrogant postings such as these.

  2. Ben Davis says:

    Haha – Wow, I feel built up… Thanks Stubo.

  3. Stubo says:

    Ben, how about focussing on posting articles that don’t slam others for the sake of slamming them?

    This article offers literally no help to people in the Emergent Church, nor does it contribute in any way to those who are not. The only option that leaves is to degrade the people in the church. It’s a deliberate attack.

    As Christians, we can and should defend the Gospel. But this article goes way beyond that. It’s especially sad that you don’t seem to have a problem with posting it up.

    If I may ask, I’d love it if this clip was posted up soonish. I found it to be so humbling and helpful. I’m sure this would be more helpful to other Christians than reading about how some people write blogs about ranting.


    Cheers Ben. I apologise if I can across as too harsh. I get overly frustrated when people slam others (and just so you don’t misunderstand, rebuking is not slamming)

  4. Stubo says:

    …if I came across as harsh*

  5. Ben Davis says:

    Stubo, there is nothing sinful about satire, else it wouldn’t be used in the Bible. Also, take some time to actually look what’s on this website, before making silly comments about it’s focal content. You’re too thin skinned.

  6. Stubo says:

    Of course there’s nothng sinful about satire. It’s the way in which you use it.

    There’s nothing sinful about sex either, but perfomed in the wrong way, and God disapproves.

    I’m just not so sure that God gave us wit so we can cut people down. Like I said, I would have no problem if the article outlined why someone shouldn’t be a member of the Emergent Church. But it doesn’t do that. It merely attacks the culture behind it, and the people in the church itself, with no offer of help.

    Anyways, there’s no point arguing. It’s your website, not mine.

    But, can you post up that video, please brother? :) I’d really appreciate it.

  7. Ben Davis says:

    See Proverbs 26:4-5: “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes.”

    It’s no worse than Paul wishing those who teach circumcision would go emasculate themselves. With a consistent attitude you’d probably find it more offensive if I posted something like Matthew 23.

  8. Sammy says:

    And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, “Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.” – 1st Kin. 18:27

    how arrogant o him…… where is the love? :-P

  9. Joe C. says:

    I wonder…if it’s ever occured to anyone, that like in many places of Scripture, that some of the things that the prophets, kings, and apostles did were let’s say…not ‘kosher’ in God’s eyes. However, God, being the Truthful person He is, decides to keep it in there as a lesson. King David comes to mind. Your example of Paul, another. Oh but it’s in Scripture!! Doesn’t mean it’s right to do it yourself. Funny how that works.

    Just because Elijah mocked pagans, doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do. And if the next point you’ll make is Jesus speaking to the religious hypocrites, well, He’s Jesus.

    What a concept.


  10. Joe C. says:


    As for the love…

    Matthew 5:21-22, Matthew 5:43-44, Romans 12:9-21 paying particular attention to verses 9-10, 14, 17-21 but especially 17 AND 21. And think about if it’s okay to fight fire with fire, and copy someone elses bad example. “Woah…” says Neo.

    “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

    Hint: it’s not talking about cussing. It’s something much bigger than that.

    Have a good night all


  11. Ben Davis says:

    Hi Joe,

    How is everything? Are you suggesting that the Holy Spirit inspired Paul to write something not acceptable to God? Is Gal. 5:12 God-breathed or did Paul’s flesh overpower the Spirit for a sentence? More importantly, who then is to determine what is acceptable and what isn’t? Perhaps Paul was wrong on other points too? It would just become a matter of your opinion vs. mine.

    For example, it is your opinion that Elijah was wrong by mocking the false prophets who cried out to a god that cannot hear. But I believe it’s a good example of “answering a fool according to his folly”. “Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.” It is through his sarcasm that Elijah demonstrated how ridiculous the false prophets were. If anyone finds Elijah’s mocking offensive, see what he did with them in 1 Kings 18:40.

  12. Ken Silva says:

    “Just because Elijah mocked pagans, doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do”

    Some nerve here trying to lead God’s people astray with foolish man-centered opinions. God guided Elijah to mock the prophets of Baal, and the fire from Heaven is proof the LORD was pleased with Elijah’s conduct – including the slaughter of those demon-controlled false prophets.

  13. Joe C. says:

    Hey Ben, I’ve been fine, thanks man. How are you??

    No, I’m not suggesting that. I’m suggesting that what’s okay for Paul to do is not okay for you to do. Simply by considering the whole of Scripture on the words we’re to use, actions towards others, and our demeanor. Should I tell a legalist to go castrate his genitals because of bad docrine? Would you approve of that? Probably not. That’s why I don’t see this as a tenable position to take.

    Also, in narratives, like the historic event of Elijah and the pagans, the people in the story, (even the good guys), can mess up. If we, having the same Spirit of God that Elijah had, and we can mess up and sin, why not Elijah? Like many other characters in the Bible do. Like…David, Solomon, Adam, and pretty much every person in the Bible does. Especially Samson. Would you copy all he did? (And yet he WAS a judge of Israel, funny how God works.) I hope that makes more sense. It does not mean we’re to repeat those actions simply because “it’s in the Bible”. Would you take Job’s friend’s statements about God, and the comments about the situation Job was in as complete truth? They say some very heretical things, and say some very sinful things to their friend (as proved by God’s statements later). Let me ask you, did God inspire all of that to be recorded? Of course He did. God is completely Truthful and allows the fullness of the situation and statements, to be revealed in His Word. Unfortunately, some people take the lies told (by people in the stories), sins committed, and harsh words used and a freedom to commit those acts themselves.


    If you’re saying mocking is the OK thing to do for Christian life, then I’m not going to be able to convince you otherwise. I hope you’re not saying that, and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and try to explain what I mean more thoroughly. I am definitely guilty of mocking too, but that STILL doesn’t make it right.

    First of all, friend, If you’re calling me a heretic, coded in mocking words, or something to that effect, you’re not doing a good job shining that light you have in to my life to correct me. A mocking quip doesn’t win many people over. How did Jesus say to correct someone again…? What does proverbs have to say about it? You’re a pastor, you know better Sir. I don’t need to insult your intelligence by telling you.

    What’s your proof God guided Elijah to mock anyways? Even if He did… where does God tell us we should mock? When is it okay, and not okay to do so, especially considering the whole of Biblical revelation? Does my second comment have any worth to you, considering it IS actual scripture? Aren’t these legit questions to ask?

    Let’s assume everything Elijah did in that situation is OK. Shouldn’t we be slaying Pagans down by the river then? I mean, following said logic, if God allowed him to mock, and God allowed him to slay pagans (and hey, God does command killing in Scripture, I can concede that easily), is it right for you to do so? And so why aren’t you? Think about it. No ammount of mental gymnastics will save us from THAT logical fallacy.

    Mocking seems presumably acceptable because you can get away with it without anything more than hurt feelings, and boy does it ‘feel good’. But I don’t see the logic of accepting Elijah’s mocking as an example of righteous behavior, while ignoring much of the rest of Scripture, especially Jesus’ words during His ministry, and the Apostles teachings in the letters (just as inspired).

    I think the only opinion here is the one that stems from ignoring the whole of the Bible on our behavior, demeanor, and the words we use to address our enemies and brothers alike in order to justify cutting people down with words. I’ll ask for your forgiveness that I don’t see things like you do on this one, and obviously offend you by b/c of that.

    Ben, I hope this clears up any confusion brother. Ken, it’s okay sir, I still love you.

    Jesus bless you guys. Really.


  14. Ken Silva says:


    I love you too. I just pray you’ll grow up and stop sowing contention.

  15. Joe C. says:

    Ken, honestly I don’t know what you mean by that? Do you mean I’m trying to start a fight?

    Listen, telling me to grow up…but not answering any of the valid points I brought to the discussion (not argument or battle, mind you), is not very helpful to me or anyone else. If you have a response to my points, and you’re witholding it, then how can I learn anything?

    If you love me, show me.



  16. Ken Silva says:

    “If you love me, show me.” I just did Joe.

  17. Joe C. says:

    Alright then Ken, we’ll leave it at that I suppose. I appreciate your prayers. You’ll have mine as well. I hope you’ll consider what I’ve said earlier though too. Night.

  18. Ben Davis says:

    Hi Joe,

    It’s a bit hard to respond to so much without having to write an essay. There are quite a few things you’ve said I disagree with. For instance:

    No, I’m not suggesting that. I’m suggesting that what’s okay for Paul to do is not okay for you to do. Simply by considering the whole of Scripture on the words we’re to use, actions towards others, and our demeanor. Should I tell a legalist to go castrate his genitals because of bad doctrine? Would you approve of that? Probably not. That’s why I don’t see this as a tenable position to take.

    I asked before, who is to determine what is appropriate behavior and what isn’t? You? Me? Or the examples we have in Scripture? You might say, Paul’s actions here contradict Jesus’ teachings. But, wasn’t he inspired to write what he did with the very same Spirit? “…speaking from God, as he was carried along by the Holy Spirit” (2 Pet. 1:21) And if so, why would God purpose this to be in the Bible? To show us how not to imitate Paul? And if so, why does God assume the readers would know better? They’re already confused and deceived about the gospel and the practice circumcision.

    You ask if you should tell a legalist to go castrate himself, but if he’s pushing heresy on the Church (that Christians are required to be circumcised) then why not??? Why can’t we imitate Paul in this instance (1 Cor. 11:1)? Because it is your personal opinion that Paul’s reaction to these heretics is not Christian?

    How can you believe that the epistles are infallibly God breathed, and at the same time, contain behavior contradictory to God Himself? You can only then conclude that Gal. 5:12 was not inspired by God. And if you’re going to go so far as that, why stop with Gal. 5:12?

  19. Joe C. says:

    Paul was an Apostle, you’re not Paul. I’ll leave it there. If you think it’s okay to go ahead and mock, then go ahead and mock Ben. I just wanted to throw out some other thought processes in to the mix.

    But Paul wasn’t writing to the Judaizers. Was he?

    Do you think he’d have written that way to them? Do you think that’s Scriptural to do so? Or to talk to someone like that?

    Are you willing to kill Pagans? Because…that’s all in the same section of Kings. I’ll turn it around and ask you, how do you “differentiate” between Elijah’s actions? Which one’s do you follow which ones do you not? You can’t say “it’s against God’s law to kill”…so Elijah was wrong? Or maybe it’s an untenable position because God doesn’t tell us to mock either. They’re both ‘against the law’, If you want to look at it that way.. In fact, I believe I have, and could continue to make a good case against Christians mocking their enemies.

    What do you think?


  20. Joe C. says:

    Hey…I got an idea. If you want to continue talking about this, why don’t you just email me? I’m happy to discuss it. It’s kind of important, how we treat others. So it’s something that should be discussed amongst Christians.


  21. Ben Davis says:

    So, God permits the apostles to act in a certain way towards deceivers, a way that contradicts the Bible and would be unacceptable for us to imitate? Why then would Paul instruct us to imitate himself (an imitator of Christ)?

  22. Joe C. says:

    You’re seeing this whole thing in a very odd way, I feel. Send me an email. My wife needs the computer and I gotta get some sleep for work. Night Ben!

  23. Abigail says:

    Stubbo….hey man, do you still write around here? How are you? Please write back if you get this… thanks.

  24. Stubo says:

    Er, yeah?

    Do I know you? :p

  25. [...] Symphony of Scripture has thirty signs you might be Emergent. [...]

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